Living Your Life For Someone Else… How’s That Working Out For You?
A question that Mel and I get asked often is ‘so are you planning on having kids?’ This is when Mel often jokes that we keep trying but we’re shooting blanks. [Insert eye roll here.] Lol
In all seriousness though, my answer to this question is much different now than it was a few years ago, despite my answer not actually changing.
What I mean by this is that I have always been a ‘no thank you’ when it has come to having kids, however it wasn’t until this past year or two that I have come to a place where I can really own my decision and know with certainty that I am saying no with love.
My answer hasn’t changed, how I feel about it has, in one of the most amazing and wonderful ways. Instead of feeling guilty or ashamed of not wanting kids, I now feel freakin awesome about it, which feels loving and inspiring.
Although it wasn’t easy, we are both so grateful that we went through this process of figuring out what we really want. I feel like this process has taught us so much about ourselves, who we are, what we want and how to choose from our hearts.
Mel and I learned this particular lesson in how to choose from your heart through kids, but we could have just as easily learned it through career, business, love, health, etc. We all learn through different experiences but the key is to remember that the lessons are all essentially the same.
At the end of the day, we are all here to learn to grow in love and wisdom and learn how to love ourselves and others.
So whatever your lesson right now, maybe you’ll find some inspiration or tips in us sharing our own experience.
Ok, let’s circle back a little to the whole kid thing again.
Mel and I have both traditionally been a ‘no’ when it came to having kids. Then a few years ago things started to shift a little. Both of our siblings had kids, our friends were having kids and it felt like literally everyone was pumped for us to be the next to have kids.
Well-intentioned friends and family would tell us that we would make great parents and painted this picture of how all our kids could grow up together.
Slowly our solid ‘no’ stance started to shift to ‘probably not’ to eventually meh might as well give it a try.
Notice that I didn’t say it turned into a ‘Hell YES!’
Note to self that should have been clue number one that we weren’t really following our hearts. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s probably a no.
Clue number two that we weren’t exactly following our hearts is that it almost came down to a game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ to see who would carry the baby. This seems so ridiculous now as I am writing this, but it’s true. Neither one of us had a strong burning desire to be pregnant. It was an interesting dynamic because we could both carry a baby and it wasn’t as straightforward as, well you are the female, you carry.
In the end, we decided that I would be the one to try and get pregnant because I had benefits at work and would get maternity leave.
Looking back now, I can see why we were doing what we were. Part of it was that we got caught up in what others were doing around us, what others wanted for us and what society expected from us. We also started to borrow other people’s stories about what success and happiness look like and felt guilty for wanting something else.
Looking back now I can see that at the root of our decision to go ahead and try to get pregnant was fear. Fear of not fitting in, fear of letting others down, and fear of what our lives would look like if we didn’t have kids. It’s super clear to me now that this decision was fueled by desperation, not inspiration.
So after a few months of tests, blood work, injections, picking a donor and all the other stuff that went along with it, we tried to get pregnant.
I remember the day I found out that I wasn’t pregnant. We were in Vegas on a business trip and in the middle of a ‘get inspired’ type seminar.
After this came a rush of so many different emotions. Followed by one of the most important questions that we could have asked ourselves…
Why are we doing this?
This wasn’t the first time we asked ourselves this question, however, this was the first time we had the courage to answer it from our heart.
The truth is, we didn’t want to have kids. We love kids but they aren’t for us. I can’t even tell you how good that felt to say out loud. It was scary as hell but equally liberating!!
Mel and I chatted more about this with our Coach, who also helped us release fears we had around not having kids, disappointing family, etc.
I can honestly say I am SO happy and grateful that we went through all of this, spent all the money and time we did on fertility treatment and so on because it brought us to a point where we have so much more courage and strength to admit what it is we want in life and to act on it.
You don’t have to try and get pregnant to realize you don’t want kids. Just like you don’t have to move to appreciate where you live, get sick to appreciate your health, or go bankrupt to know that you are worthy of abundance.
There are a bazillion different ways to learn how to love yourself and others, whichever way you choose, just know that it’s perfect for you.
So just to recap, no Mel and I aren’t having kids but we totally love and appreciate you if that’s what your heart wants.
You deserve to live your most epic and amazing life and the key to doing that is to listen to your heart and then act on it!!
You got this,